bring enough for the whole class...

An Oregon county has stopped performing all marriages (gay or straight) until the state reaches a decision this issue.

Sucks for those newly engaged couples. Sucks even more for gay couples.

tough on security?

In light of Joe Biden's anger and Charles' comments on my previous, aimless ranting about the neo-cons' destruction of Republican ideals, I feel the need to spout off about the mistaken idea that Bush is the "military president" or the "security president."

Let's talk security. How are we safer as a nation? I know there hasn't been a terrorist attack in America since 9/11, but other than taking an extra hour to get on a plane or an additional week to get a home loan (thanks to the PATRIOT Act), what has Bush done to change the shape of our safety?

I suggest you get on a subway and look for security measures. Try the same thing with a bus. Sen. Biden (D-DE) waves his arms in Congress looking for support on a train security bill, but because the neo-cons are so interested in partisanship and re-election and covering their asses, it's not getting done.

Last summer while boarding a Greyhound in Port Authority, I realized that no one checked my bags. I just put them under the bus and got aboard. During rush hour we head out through the Lincoln Tunnel - one crazy, bomb-wielding terrorist away from blowing up the most crowded tunnel in the country.

I'm not saying I want to get frisked anytime I use mass transit, but where's the dialogue on security measures? Where's our president who so claims security as his forte?

what are they looking at?

One of the woes of shopping at Whole Foods/Bread & Circus is having to pass the cereal aisle where Kashi's "Good Friends" boxes always make me cringe. Those crazy looking, multi-cultural models instill in me a shameful terror on par with only the Poltergeist clown doll. I want to look but I just can't. I'm almost 30 years old and I have to avert my eyes when I pass these boxes in the store.

Below I've placed a pretty good example of this dreadful product (I've never been brave enough to actually purchase and eat the cereal), but it's not the most horrifying of all "Good Friends" (That most holy of horrors features an old (Asian? Black?) woman with a child, and they creep my shit out! Oh god, I'm gettin ggoosebumps just typing about it. stop stop breathe breeeaaaatthhhe)

Honestly, what the hell are these two women so happy about? Why are their heads touching? Why are they looking at me like that? Not to mention the fact that one of the company's sales points is that the cereal contains "twigs!"

Well, if you are faint-of-heart, avert your eyes. Otherwise, here is the most unholy of all cereal boxes:

crunchophobe

Here's where I reveal a bit about my particular freakinesses. You know what drives me to insanity?

The sound of eating.

We all make chewing/crunching/gulping noises when we eat, but for some reason my ears plug in the rock concert amps when it comes to those sounds.

It is not rare that the sound of someone chewing with their mouth open (why? what's wrong with you? Nobody likes see-food, asswhip!) will make me leave the room, no matter what I am currently doing. Not a month ago, I stopped in the middle of a conversation at work because someone in the room was eating with their mouth open -- their lips slapping out the grotesque song of food-on-display.

My new officemate likes to eat lunch at her desk, and it's been an awful adjustment. Today my earphones broke (note to self: get a longer cord) and my fragile eardrums were left completely unprotected.

My ears are the vulnerable hole on the Death Star and food-chewers are X-Wing fighters. The open-mouth chewers? They're Luke's photon torpedos.

God, I feel insane.

somebody's been having sex

Am I correct in saying that one of the byproducts for women of a new sexual relationship (particularly after a significant hiatus) is a urinary tract infection? This, at least, is what I have always been told and something I have noticed over time.

Anyway, a co-worker (who just started dating a fellow about 2 weeks ago) this morning was complaining of nausea from her medication. "Are you sick? Is it the flu?"

"No, urinary tract infection."

"Ohhhh..."

[grin]

damn girl scouts - the scourge of the nation

Please disregard any ranting or yelling. I've spent the morning tamping down my stomach with Thin Mints like a dynamite packer. I'm so stuffed full with sugary goodness I'm dangerous. Ohhh, sweet pink relief!

registered republican (or longwinded, bitter man)

A few weeks ago, I registered to vote in Massachusetts. I hadn't filled out a registration form since I was 20 years old and living in Texas. At that time, I registered Republican.

Given that I come from a family of middle-class conservatives, and my early college days were spent stumping for Jesus (more on that some other day), it made sense that I voted for the Right.

Of course, as with many collegians I waffled in my politics to the extremes. One day, I couldn't fathom why prayer in schools was not mandated, the next I was calling for legalization of marijuana.

During the Clinton presidency, I was content with our President, but not wholly impressed or even satisfied, for that matter. I voted Clinton in 1996. By 2000, though, I had become so disillusioned with politics, particularly watching eight years of Clinton bending to the right of the middle. I was even one of those bastards who voted Nader (but in Texas my vote didn't count, anyway).

But since 2000, I have become so upset with the Bush administration, that I have actually started referring to myself as a Democrat -- something, even in my most liberal years, I had never done.

Staring at the voter registration form a few weeks ago, I suddenly thought seriously about republicanism. I thought about a seemingly simple question my wife asked not long ago, too: "What exactly do Republicans stand for?" (Or Democrats for that matter?)

The answer seems simple: "States rights, fiscal conservatism, constitutional freedoms, equal rights, strong military and public protectors."

Wait that sounds great! But I don't get it. States rights, fiscal conservatism, constitutional freedoms... those all describe Howard Dean better than Bush. Equal rights... Dennis Kucinich? Strong military... okay, Bush. Public protectors.... well Clinton was the one pushing legislation for cops and firefighters. Bush just puts them in campaign commercials.

So, because I'm a rabid idealist, I registered Republican. I just can't tie myself to the Democrats yet. It seems a violation of my upbringing, and more importantly, I kind of agree with some of the tenets of social libertarianism and fiscal conservatives.

Unfortunately, it's only the Democrats following these tenets. Would somebody from the Republican party please stop the anti-gay, anti-foreign relations, anti-poor, and pro-empty rhetoric and start paying attention to jobs, security, and the economy!

So, I have to say: Vote Kerry. Perhaps the Republicans will get their act together (maybe Howard Dean will run again!) and stop pissing me off.

baby, baby, baby

Did you know that if you look up 'baby' on Thesaurus.com one of the synonyms is "snooky" and another is "tax write-off?"

... just so you know.

why try?

Since October, I have edited and re-edited this membership brochure. The process is thus:

1. re-write copy and benefits
2. give to boss
3. try to see under all the red and make her changes
4. make changes
5. give to boss
6. after looking at her edits, realize that she changed it back to what I started with

After months of this, we got the brochure to the place we wanted it. The only thing standing between me and the printer was the general manager who walked in this morning holding a pile of ashes that once was my precious brochure as she admonsihed: "I'm alarmed by the number of changes I had to make."

[his head drops, a small tear creeps down his cheek, a violin begins to play softly somewhere; lights down]

museum of bad art

Visual art too high-brow for you? Try the Museum of Bad Art (MoBA) in Dedham, Massachusetts.

Please click on "the collection" and view the piece entitled "Circus of Despair." You will be quite glad that you did.

things about texas

Honestly, I don't miss Texas much at all. But being in New England just since August, I admit that there have been a handful of things inherently Texan that I still take pride in:

• Larry McMurtry
• Good tortillas
• Presidio La Bahia in Goliad
• Huge, rolling thunderstorms
• Shiner Bock
• Dallas Cowboys

I'm sure there are other things, but I can't think of them right now.

god, I love this country

Kraft Foods lays off 6,000 and gives nearly $10,000,000 in bonues to its execs. Let's put Kraft on welfare. Give 'em a tax break! God bless the USA.

the answer is andy warhol

Have you seen this commercial yet? For Allst.ate Insurance. It features the guy from "24"... who plays the President. Yes, him. The black guy. Have you seen his spot for Allst.ate where's he's standing on some Victorian-looking stage pontificating quite confusingly about auto insurance?

He starts his "monologue" by saying "Somebody once said that everyone will have 15 minutes of fame." Somebody? Look, I'm no art historian. Nor am I some elitist that feel you have to keep a verbal bibliography in day-to-day conversation, but how much trouble would it be for the lame-ass copywriters to use an Encyclopedia. Or Google for that matter. Hell, just call me, I could tell you that answer. This isn't Who Wants to Be a Fucking Millionaire.

But that's not my problem (what is your problem, you ask?). What does being famous for 15 minutes have to do with auto insurance. Is this the question for the ages or are people in the advertising department too lazy to find out?

i do not like talking to her

If you live in Western Massachusetts, you understand how difficult it is to drive anywhere if you don't know exactly where you're going. There are few street signs, and roads do not lie on a grid. It's not hard to head west on a street, take a left turn, then another left, and still be going West. Remember this. I'll get back to it.

There's a lady here at work that insists on carpooling. We live less than a mile from each other, and we work 35 miles away. Environmentally, carpooling makes loads of sense. Conversationally, it doesn't. I do not like talking to her.

I don't have a sufficient arsenal of lies to deflect her logic when she approaches. I suppose I could just tell her the truth (that I do not like talking to her), but that seems unnecessarily mean. She's not a bad lady. I just do not like talking to her.

She has a habit of broaching the subject from time to time, destroying my conscience with concern for fossil fuels and air pollution. My body trembles with guilt. I avert my eyes and say "maybe, sometime. I get really busy during the week and like to arrive and leave the office when it's most convenient for my schedule." The fact of the matter is, I just do not like... you know.

Yesterday morning, as I drove out of town to work, I saw up ahead on the road... her car, about 1500 feet ahead. I shuttered. The idea of driving next to each other for nearly an hour had not occured to me. The country roads around here are one lane each way, so one cannot simply floor it and pass other vehicles. It's just you and the car in front of you. No getting around it (without being noticed anyway).

As soon as I see her car, I take the first available right, thinking, I'll drive through this town for a bit to kill about 10 minutes, then hop back onto 66 and on to work.

I got crazy lost.

It took me an extra 30 miles and over a hour to get back on track. There has got to be a new way to go to work... besides carpooling.

proposals for marriage amendment

(Thanks to Karen for this one)

The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to: "Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With any forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government."

So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment codifying marriage entirely on biblical principles:

A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen 29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)

B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam 5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)

C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)

D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen 24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh 10:30)

E Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)

F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe and be otherwise punished in a manner to be determined by law.(Gen. 38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)

G. In lieu of marriage, if there are no acceptable men in your town, it is required that you get your dad drunk and have sex with him, tag-teaming with any sisters you may have. Of course, this rule applies only if you are female. (Gen 19:31-36)

john titor freaks my shit out

Is John Titor really a timetraveller? I say not, but if the posts at JohnTitor.com really were originally compiled between 2000 and 2001, then we're in for some serious crazy shit in the next 11 years. I guess if civil war breaks out next year sometime, we'll have some verification.

Even if you're skeptical (like me), this is still some really fascinating and creepy reading. (Thanks to Sean Bonner for the link).

being a misanthrope

I honestly dislike most people. It's nothing personal. I don't mean to come off as some sub-thirtysomething curmudgeon destined to live in a rickety old house at the end of the block creeping out every kid in the neighborhood and keeping only the company of moths and unbridled rottweilers.

Nah.

Actually, I like the idea of people, but people always fuck it up. This post roots from my experience of having (1) a new office mate, and (2) another coworker that insists we have to carpool since we live a 1/2 mile from each other despite the fact that I find talking with her to be conversational kryptonite.

Last night at a mutual friend's Oscar party, I had to listen to the carpool lady (who rode there with my wife and me) relate everything to her. I cannot stand this. If you thought Portland and Seattle were so damned great when you lived there, then move back.

Growing up an only child and spending much of my adult life before I got married last year sans roommates, I have spoiled myself with solitude. My new co-worker has really taken a load of work off my shoulders, and I needed that. But she talks nearly nonstop, even to herself as she works. Plus, a bigger atrocity, she eats carrots at her desk - 3 feet from me. crunchcrunchcrunchcrunch God, I cannot stand that noise!

But there are good people out there. I'm not trying to be judgemental, just venting. But passing judgement can be fun, too.