usher in the irritation

My brother-in-law asked me to be in his wedding. He was one of my groomsmen last year when I married his sister. I will be one of his ushers. This irritates the hell out of me b/c there's no politically correct way to say 'no.' So now, not only do I have to spend $125 on a tux rental, but I don't even get to stand up front with the groom. I'm stuck at the back of the church with the bride's 13-year-old cousin.

This sucks.

"Are you with the bride or the groom?" Who cares, man? I say "Sit down, have a Coke and a smile, and leave me the fuck alone."

NASCAR ballet

I cannot even begin to describe how this makes me feel:

NASCAR Ballet is the next installment of Roanoke Ballet Theatre's desire to create an appreciation for dance through popular culture. NASCAR Ballet centers around 20 ballet and modern dancers (who represent cars) who circle a forty foot horseshoe track that banks around the corner complete with break away railings. Three huge monitors are suspended about the dancers heads. One of which serve as the "TV" as the local Channel 7 sportscaster, Mike Stevens, calls the race live and it is projected onto the monitor. Mike will be joined by NASCAR drivers, who he interviews during the production. Another monitor, relays live footage of the "pit" as dancers lift, rotate and spin one another during the "pit stop". The third screen continuously plays pre-made commercials by sponsoring companies. As the dancers gracefully careen around the track, collide and are rebuilt, logos of sponsoring companies are displayed prominently all over their bodies.

no more aspartame

I'm off aspartame since Monday. (speaking of pronunciation: is it AS-pertame or As-PAIR-tame, or even as-PER-tuh-may). As a diet soda junkie, it's always been difficult to stop consuming the deadly sugar substitute. But I think Diet Rite is the aspartame-free way to go. Plus it's no-calories and no-sodium.

Granted it's still a 2-liter tube of carbonated chemicals being poured into my organs, but it's aspartame-free nonetheless.

let's call the whole thing off

I'm not saying it's correct, but I am saying that there are people out there that say Missour-AH rather than Missour-EE. I happen to be one of them. I think I got it from my step-family that lived near Jeff City, MO when I was a child. But others say that just ain't so, that nobody pronouces it that way. Well, a lazy google search cleared matters up. (scroll to very bottom)

busted

Coming home from a terrible dance show Friday night, wife and I were pulled over by not one, but two, cop cars. The two prowlers were positioned semi-roadblock style at the base of a T-intersection in Westhampton (read: country road/middle of nowhere).

It was about 10:30 and we had seen maybe 5 cars the whole evening (including our own and the two police vehicles) - a pretty quiet night. When the officer came to my driver's side window (after taking our licenses and registration) he asked if we had been through Chesterfield that evening. Not knowing where Chesterfield is, I just explained that we had driven from North Adams to Becket to drop friends off and were now heading home in our usual route (a back-roads shortcut, but a normal enough venue for me).

He said we fit the profile (oh man, the "profile"?!) of a couple spotted fighting that evening in a Chesterfield parking lot. A white male (yep) and a white female (yep) with a pony tail (yep) driving a Nissan (yep). So we got asked a few question while sitting in our car about whether or not we'd been fighting with each other.

"No, sir." (a half-glance at my wife as if to say "I don't think we have anyway")

"Not even an argument?"

"No, sir." (another half-glance)

A few minutes pass, and the cop finally asks my wife to step out of the car. She gets back in after a couple of moments, and we go home.

I was told on the remaining drive that the officer checked her over for bruises or marks and asked her "away from the man" if she indeed was not hit in any way.

Despite no guilt, it's hard not to be intimidated by the situation. I'm always frightened of cops and the power they wield. I'm thankful that they're tracking down the fucker that was beating his girl, but I'm not in a hurry to get profiled again.

bad movies

Wife and I went to Movie Gallery last night as a last resort to try to find Breakin' (part one, not the finely named Breakin' 2: Electric Bugaloo). They didn't have it, so she rented Honey instead. Her reaction was not pleasant.

As we paid, I was informed that we had late fees.

"Really?" I asked, not prepared to struggle with the aftermath of such a ridiculous question, "for what movies?"

"Pirates of the Carribean and Gigli." (I'm sure I heard a snicker).

So what? So I like bad movies! You want I should come back and check out the entire Antonioni collection? Maybe write a thesis and return it with my rented copy of The Seven Samurai?

Dammit.

breakfast for dinner

Wife and I had pancakes, eggs and bacon for dinner last night. Haven't done that since I was a bachelor. Why do we compartmentalize what's breakfast food and what's not?

I can kind of understand the idea of not having a salmon filet or a muffaletta first thing in the morning, but maple bacon and fresh fruit in the evening is sublime.

scattershooting about 9/11 hearings...

Scattershooting while wondering whatever happened to Fawn Hall...

Former GE CEO Jack Welsh says (indirectly to Bush) changing deadlines can be the sign of a good leader.

...

Does anyone remember the story from August 2001 about how John Ashcroft was warned against taking commercial aircraft? Wouldn't that story be helpful this week? UPDATE: Found it! Freak yourself out with this story about what Crofty and the FBI knew and didn't know.

...

The only channel on our TV not airing the Bush press conference last night was Home Shopping Network. I bought this beautiful ceramic clock.

...

And until someone stops this man, the Sox are never going to break the curse.

two quarters

Whoever said
'having two pennies
to rub together'
to mean temporary, mild prosperity
should revise that
to say instead:
'having two quarters
to buy a honey bun
on the way to work.'

bitter response

I got an automated call from these morons this weekend. So, just as the recorded voice asked me to do, I checked out the Article 8 website and let them know how they can help me in making a difference. My response:

You can assist me by ceasing your butchering of the Bible's message of love. If you want to live by the Book of Leviticus, be my guest, but don't judge others who don't live by your standards.

By your logic, I believe you should be lobbying to ban marriage for alcoholics, wife-beaters, drunken drivers, drug addicts, and anyone who forces their religion down other people's throats. These are the real dangers to our society and our children (NOT gays). But it's a free country, eh?

Plus, I think I remember 5 unelected judges dismantling democracy by deciding the presidential election. So don't forget to look down the memory hole before you start waving your fist.

Otherwise, I would be happy to help you ensure democracy and protect family values. Just let me know what you're doing that involves those plans.

If you get a chance let them know how they can assist you, too.

poor, poor easter bunny

I can't even begin to express my amusement amazement outrage shock sheer, unadulterated Schadenfreude over this church show.

Wow.

I mean...

Wow.

taking notes

Intern Jen and I made To-Do lists during this morning's full staff meeting to keep ourselves entertained:

• Clean up files on server
• Find out about April 16 reception
• Mop up blood in cellar
• Shred all evidence
• Cry self to sleep
• Do the Buffalo Bill "tuck" dance from Silence of the Lambs
• Learn to juggle
• Learn to jiggle
• "Research" effects of alcohol
• Keep it in the family
• Don't be afraid to love
• Deny everything. Everything.
• Tight-roll jeans
• Put in another appeal on the restraining order

sabato gets his

A bizarre video clip (8MB | QT, right-click, save as...) of supermodel Antonio Sabato Jr getting his ass kicked by a fashion assistant. The fight itself is not well-shot (because it was caught on-the-fly backstage), but the commentary going on around the scene is inarticulately brilliant.

bad omen

A hearse tailgated me all morning on my way to work.

tips on applying for a job

In the midst of my search for a teaching gig, this article this morning enlightened me on how NOT to apply for a job.

A 37-year-old man studying to become a teacher ended up with a three-month prison sentence after trying to threaten his way into qualifications for a job. The man was charged with threatening to kill a police lawyer, a former girlfriend and threatening to 'crush' two staff at Tromsø College.

Duly noted.

reason not to talk

So walking up the street to Starbucks the other day, I experienced one of the world's most unnecessary evils: the car alarm. To add to this ridiculousness, I was in Amherst -- maybe 40,000 people total. And the car was parked on the street on a busy Sunday, in the middle of the day.

No one's touching your car, dude!

I, along with most people on the sidewalk, twisted my countenance in annoyance. As I walked into Starbucks, I saw some other patrons staring out the window at the perpetrating vehicle, grimacing and showing obvious contempt for the car's loud honking and wailing.

Here's where I went wrong: I tried to talk to someone else. (note to self: don't talk to other people. very little good can come from talking to strangers...)

ME:
(Arriving at the counter)
Man, I'm about to break into that car just to make that alarm worth it.

BARISTA:
(Looking suddenly shocked)
What?

ME:
Umm... that car alarm.

BARISTA:
(Obviously unaware of what I'm talking about)
Oh.

ME:
I thought you could hear the alarm. I just meant that it was really annoying and maybe someone should make the noise worthwhile.
[long pause]
Tall Americano

BARISTA:
Sure.