why i'm not telling my kids

not that I have kids (or will have kids for that matter), but let's say I open the door one morning to get my newspaper (I don't even subscribe to the paper, but let's just say). I look down and see a baby in a basket with a note that says something like: "I cannot raise this child, please care for him/her" (but it wouldn't say him/her; it would say either him or her, but I didn't really want to assign gender to this hypothetical which is probably because I don't want to open myself up to the sentimentality of raising a child of my own by personalizing this fictional baby).

Here's the bastard now trying to sell you a Coke and a Smile.So I raise the child, and she (okay, let's just make it a she) gets old enough to comprehend things like Christmas and presents. I'm telling you now that I will resist with all my might the social pressure to teach her about Santa. Honestly, could there be anything worse for our spiritual selves than a vacuous icon of materialism and heartless progess? (Santa is an anagram for Satan; I'm aware of that cute, but tired, little phrase, but please don't put words in my mouth.)

Think of it this way. We're led to believe that the better a person you are, the more presents you get. The worse you are as a human, the fewer presents. As if this weren't selfish and petty enough for childhood development, it's really disguising a horrible classist injustice (Hey! save that Karl Marx shit for grad school, ass! I'm making a real point here.) the way you might cover a razor blade with chocolate and call it a bonbon.

Honestly, what does a poor kid who gets one or two presents think of himself when compared to the rich kids that might get a roomful? If they believe in Santa, they're bad kids, and the rich ones are good kids. It perpetuates class separation.

Most people say they don't think of it that way but that they teach Santa to their kids because it gives them something to believe in. Believe in? How about the holiday's celebration of the birth of Jesus? (okay, I'm serious as fuck, motherfucker; don't be bringin' that "reason for the season" bullshit around me; I'm making another point.)

All hail our new Holiday God: Kon-Trohl-Ahr!I'm not saying you have to teach about Jesus, but obviously there are spiritual traditions associated with Hannukah as well as Winter Solstice. Worship what you want. But a time of year set aside for various cultures has been usurped by a white-beared fatass that is perpetuated by TV, movies, and the retail industries under the guise of "the spirit of the season" and "you have to believe" and "the joy of giving" when all they really want is your money. It's just a sentimental appeal to your heartstrings, which are connected to your wallet.

So no, I don't believe in Santa Claus, nor do I want my (hypothetical) children to believe in him. They will believe (hypothetically) in something I hope, but it won't be that greedy clown.

we're running out of ideas

They now make DVDs for your dog to watch while you're out: http://www.bowwowtv.com/. I feel a rant coming on, but I'll spare you for another day until I cool down and accept the Huxleyan hell in which I live.

it was only a matter of time

Online shooting range and hunting. Live-Shot has a gun hooked up to a robotic swivel, hooked up to a computer, hooked up to the internet. For a monthly membership, you can take target practice with a .22 rifle at paper cups and schedule times to actually hunt. (Check out the demo video.)

Not unexpectedly, Live-Shot has some folks in the Lone Star State a bit concerned.

well then... go, montana!

According to the State of Montana: "Montana is also the place where in the sci-fi show 'Star Trek', the historical First Contact between the Humans and the Vulcans was made. Mankind's first contact with an alien race." (via Wikipedia)

timewaste

I love geography games, and I love wasting time. So how perfect is this website?

unity is overrated

Julia Keller at the Chicago Tribute supposes that we're making too much of this "come together as one" thing: "as many able commentators... have pointed out recently, our system isn't designed to have everyone join hands and sing 'Kum Ba Yah.' Three co-equal branches of government ensure that there will always be an ongoing wrangle about what's best for the country -- and what's best for the country, of course, is the ongoing wrangle."

I would have to struggle to disagree. The flavor of the week in TV news is that we're all trying to re-unite as one country. As one of those trying to look at Darth Bush with new eyes (and still failing, I might add), I agree with the general sentiment, but it's empty rhetoric and faulty logic to assume that unity is a good thing. As Keller states: "If people simply shrugged and imitated what everybody agreed was a great idea -- a mega-grossing movie, a hit TV show, a best-selling book, a Broadway show that packed 'em in -- we'd be drowning in endless iterations of 'E.T.,' 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire,' 'The Bridges of Madison County' and 'Cats.'"

Gag me.

so you can smell like 3 mpg exhaust

Thanks to Soup Du Jour Of The Day for pointing me to this wonderful product:

Sephora is selling Hummer cologne just in time for the holidays. I plan on putting this together with some gold and myrrh for my "Wise Men" Christmas package that I send to all of my relatives each December (along with photos of me and my wife and cats wearing santa hats and cutting down a redwood to clear the way for a Wal Mart parking lot).

Even the bottle looks like it hates nature. The scent is "melded with a warm, rugged, masculine, adrenaline rush of leather, patchouli, amber, and sandalwood," so in case you wanted to smell like a worn saddle in a frat house, now's your chance. Hurry, because they've already sold out of the Hummer deodorant stick.

abortions for everyone!

A baffling letter to the editor from The Morning Call:

I hope the election of George W. Bush is seen as a wake-up call to all the liberal Democrats who oppose God's will.

It is His doing that George W. Bush is still our president. Millions of born-again Christians helped win this election through our prayers and votes. Jesus speaks through the Republicans.

The Democrats will not be able to win elections until they renounce their sinful ways and stop encouraging abortions, gayness, and trying to take away our guns.

Earl Balboa
Washington Township

Can we take a moment to analyze a couple of points here. First off, are there really any Democrats encouraging abortions or "gayness?" Second, was Jesus speaking through Dick Cheney when he told Patrick Leahy to "Go fuck himself?" Finally, is taking away Christian guns on the same moral lowlands as sodomy and baby-killing?

taking good notes

Today's marketing/development meeting featured Adam's very comprehensive minutes (click image to see larger):

Strangely, despite heavy conversation about how to properly attribute sponsors on our marketing materials, Adam's notes seem to revolve around my bizarre death.

have you no decency?

What's wrong with people? About the ridiculous way we spell common words when we name products or businesses: Please stop. E-Z Cheez, Kwik Kar, and now this:

Just stop it.

. . .

...And then there's this confusing name for a restaurant.

just bein' honest about your shitty theater

I can't help myself, criticizing live theater is a slippery slope for me. Once it becomes clear that others in my viewing party concur with me about the high level of theatrical suckage, the sassy barbs just don't stop. (I am well aware that "sassy barbs" sounds like a gay lounge act, but I don't care; we were barbing with lots of sass. I tell it like it is.)

Last night's staged reading (two words that should make weaker hearts cringe) evoked an onslaught of rude commentary. Things like "I think I was just intellectually raped," or "Self-importance is the new black." I'm not sure what gets into me.

But just as I am careful now not to reveal too much about the show we went to see, I also guard myself some when the saucy commentary gets going (saucy! I'm such a thesaurian tonight). It's the tough part about local theater: at any point you could be sitting right behind the director's mother.

My question, though, is what about live theater (rather than TV or movies) makes us (or me, I should say) so mean-spirited in our criticism? Is it because it's so personal? Maybe I'm just an ass. I dunno. Something I've noticed.

lions 1, christians 0

This is the best news story I've read in a while. As co-worker Katie sez: "Why are people so wacky?"

Oh wait! Here comes a potentially better news story: "Attorney General John Ashcroft 'plans to submit his resignation to Bush in the next several days.'" This is according to Drudge, so take it with a grain of salt.

pro-Kerry or anti-Bush, or just not thinking

Listen, there’s been a logical fallacy (the exact term escapes me) taking place with most Kerry supporters this year. Somehow “I hate Bush” equals “I support Kerry.” In a perfect, logical meta-realm where Bush and Kerry are absolute binary opposites, then this makes sense, but they’re not. In fact, they’re quite similar in many regards (which I will not bore you with here, but I would gladly have an email discussion if you so require)

I sat at a friend’s house last night along with several people I did not know from Mass. PIRG. These PIRGers have been relentlessly canvassing for Kerry all over the country and were understandably rooting for the senator. But here were two highlights (or lowlights) of my conversational evening:

THIS GUY: I love Barack Obama. He’s destroying Keyes.

SOME GIRL: He’s really cute. Like Clinton cute.

THAT GUY: Listen to him. He’s such a great speaker.

ME: I like him, too. But I’ve heard him speak three times and I’ve yet to hear anything of substance. His delivery is perfect, but I think his content is kind of lacking. It seems like everyone’s quick to judge him because he’s got great PR, but I’m not sure anybody really knows what he stands for.

[pause]

THAT GIRL: He’s so charismatic!

THAT GUY: Oh, man, he’s awesome!

Bah! I’m typing too much. I’ll tell the other story later. All hail our Republican overlord!

voting complete

So I cast my vote this morning, and at the risk of criticism or, worse, ridicule, I tell you that I voted for Badnarik. For me it's all about the civil liberties, and I don't trust Kerry/Edwards to stand up against the PATRIOT act or against the large population of voters who don't support the inherent Constitutional right to have a government-recognized union of gay couples.

Kerry's support of the war in Iraq also never sat well with me, and while I want nothing more than to see that fucker Bush out of office, I hate the two party system we've created for ourselves. Every election I vote for the person who I like the best. In 96, that was Clinton; in 2000, it was Nader; and today it was the libertarian.

But I have to admit that since I live in Massachusetts, the Badnarik choice was much easier to make. If I lived in Florida or Michigan or Pennsylvania, I don't think I would have done it. In fact, I know I would have voted for the Kerry/Edwards "Best Chance to Defeat King Fucker" ticket. Let's just hope that they do.

angst-ridden, teen turbo pop

We went to Pearl St. last night to see the Dresden Dolls, and while I would most definitely recommend their show, I have to say that their description of "Brechtian cabaret" was, with the exception of a remarkable opening two numbers, was neither Brechtian nor cabaret.

One problem with the show, though, aside from the fact that we had to sit through two opening bands and a 25-minute late start, was the large amount of angsty college agers that seemed to be taking the dark, resentful lyrics a little too much to heart.

In particular was a woman who was twitching (dancing?) in obnoxious arrythmic fashion for most of the evening, squealing along with such a high level of desperation that her voice was nearly inaudible. My memory may be embellishing here, but I think at one point I remember seeing her bent halfway forward, her knees together and eyes nearly closed, and watching her mouth contort into a manic shreik as it silently screamed the words "I love you Dresden Dolls! I love you so much!" I think Adam is in love.

Now is the part of the story where I abruptly tell you that I dressed up like a lumberjack and stop.

I HATE YOU, BLOGGER!

Quit fucking deleting my entries when I click "Publish Post," you ass-eating turdburglar! I hate you! I hate you with all of my hateful heart that's so full of hatefulness!

angst-ridden, teen turbo pop

Went to Pearl St last night to see the Dresden Dolls, who describe themselves as "Brechtian cabaret," and save for a hysterical and wonderful opening two number, they were neither Brechtian nor cabaret.

All in all, I have to say that I'd recommend the DD show to most anyone, because musically they're fantastic (and I'm too tired to play concert critic, so just refer to the title of this post if you're wanting more detail than just "fantastic"). But I couldn't help but feel a little put out by the handful of diehards around us that took DD's dark, angsty lyrics a little too much too heart.

One woman in particular standing next to Adam was jerking in an obnoxious, arrhythmic fashion while squealing out the lyrics at a level so full of desperation that she was nearly inaudible. I may be a revisionist here, but I think at one point I saw her bent halfway forward, knees together and eyes nearly closed, sob-mouthing the words "I love you Dresden Dolls. I love you so much!"

Also, I dressed up like a lumberjack.