happy christmas-like holidays

Wish baby jebus a happy birthday tomorrow! Happier Man will return the week of Jan. 3.

Also, Baby Jebus did not approve of that dirty show you were watching on cinemax back when you were 12 years old and just discovering your "thing." Don't do that ever again.

protect your children from the greeks

It's just like those dirty Greeks to corrupt America's sweet, innocent youth with naked statues. The FCC thinks so. Maybe we should just stop having all live events on TV. If the Olympics aren't safe enough for virgin eyes, then how could NASCAR or the Oscars or live news coverage possibly avoid a dropped f-bomb or possible nipple exposure.

Speaking of which, isn't it odd that we've decided on the female nipple as the electric fence keeping indecency contained. I had a discussion with a friend the other day about the nude pictures of Charlotte Church that popped up on Fark last week. His response? "She's covering her nips; I'm sorry, that's not nudity." (Ed. note: the link to Charlotte Church pictures has been posted for research purposes only; please avoid any and all impure thoughts. Ed. note 2: but it should be noted that she is over 18.)

Why, when the 90% of the breast is exposed, do we consider the pictures non-nude? Newsstands are littered with huge cover photos of 90% nude women who manage to hide their nipples and landing strips and that falls under the FCC's definition of decency. And porn (not to mention Janet Jackson's booby) is destroying the moral fabric of our society?

the creepy harry caray statue

These are pics from last summer's trip to the great nation of Chicago and my sacred journey to one of major league baseball's hallowed halls: Wrigley Field. Upn arrival at the holy stadium, Wife and I were encountered by the most unholy of homages: the Harry Caray statue.

Notice how he seems to be lurching forward, zombie-like with his microphone stuck to his hand. As far as sports monuments go, Harry was in a small clique of media types that unquestionably deserved permanent enshrinement. But I don't know that casting him as the Swamp Thing, appearing to gurgle and sludge through the tortured souls of decades of forlorn Cubbie fans was the appropriate gesture.

Before you accuse me of graphic hyperbole, please check out the close-up photo below of Swamp Harry's legs, it's like in Nightmare On Elm Street (part ???) when Freddie opens his shirt to reveal half a dozen pain-ridden, screaming faces trying to protude through his chest. What on earth have you done, Chicago, to the memory of this drunken voice of yesteryear? This crazy old man who delighted children across the country (via WGN, of course) with a rousing, if not slightly comic/creepy, rendention of our second national anthem, Take Me Out to the Ballgame.

EEEK!!!!

top 5 / bottom 5: college football uniforms

Bottom 5 Iowa State Washington Clemson (road whites) Arizona State Boston College

Top 5 Michigan USC UCLA Navy Texas

This year, we have a wonderful showcase of uniforms in the national championship game: The Trojans of USC will be wearing their cardinal and gold jerseys versus the white and crimson of Oklahoma. Perhaps the worst national championship game in terms of uniforms in recent memory was the 2000 Fiesta Bowl featuring Florida State and Virginia Tech. Disgusting.

waiting for guffman

Adam and I auditioned last night for a local theatre here in northampton. Despite my years in theater, I have never acted nor auditioned. It went well. I wasn't shaky-hands nervous, just talky nervous.

One of the director people running the audition said I didn't look nervous at all and did I feel nervous. I told her to ask me in about 5 minutes when I'm covered in my own vomit.

UPDATE: Holy crap! I got cast. Eeek!